Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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