I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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