I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
