90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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