totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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