i was born a porn star she said
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
