Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
