You can't motorboat a personality
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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