When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
