I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
