Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
