I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize