its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize