Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Your face is a jimmy john
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
