He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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