Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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