You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
