we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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