is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
