Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
