I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My balls are so social today.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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