Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
