I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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