fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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