I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
