I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
