Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
