My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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