I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You've changed since you got that strap on
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
