well I can't set my house on fire every night
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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