She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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