One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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