I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
