U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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