insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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