my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
