I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just want nice things and good sex
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
