I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
