I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
