My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize