i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
