i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why did my mother make you get naked?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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