Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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