my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
