who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
