I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
