Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
