In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
