Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
