Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
