i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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