I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
