The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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