I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
