Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
