If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize