I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
