On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
