if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
